Looking back ... at the triumphant and tragic days!
September had been the most productive month in my blogging life. I wrote 5 entries in about 3 weeks time. This is partly because I haven't had any free time for the last 4 months and so many things happened, partly because yet again I was in a new country and being the start of the semester, I had a lot of free time. And for the first time since April, I actually had difficulty figuring out what to do with so much free time!
My initial plan for the summer of 2008 was to go for an extended series of treks to Uttaranchal - something in lines of exploratory mountaineering. I had been planning it for more than a year, painstakingly chalking out the details of the route, days, reservations, logistics etc - so much so that I had been training for this expedition since November 2007. But then certain things happened that completely changed the circumstances and all my planning went haywire. I finally decided to go back to MPI, for yet another stint with Chris, dabbling in Neuroscience (now that I had a publication in that field). The only difference from last year was that this time I was going as a freelancer. I also planned to visit Spain this time and started planning accordingly. Though Spain was a poor substitute for the mega trek (Ok, it may not be for everyone), I was still in high spirits. And the first weeks in Germany only raised it higher - I was back in familiar surroundings, the work was advancing at a fair pace and there was Euro '08. Neuroscience seemed to be the perfect field for me - even I was surprised by the pace of my work. Partly because of the nature of the problem and partly because of the circumstances, I worked without a break for almost 3 weeks and wrapped up the work. These weeks had been very intense and as I was planning to relax and enjoy the rest of the time that I had - the alarm started ringing.
I had ventured too far away from the path that I should walk and the alarm brought me back to reality. The perfect dream - the spring flowers, rolling hills, the stream and song of the birds faded away and I was staring at a bleak landscape. Those 2 weeks were the most painful weeks in my life - a part of me desperately tried to go back to the dream, while the other part desperately resisted. I was a time of great uncertainty and confusion, for I was plagued by a sinister question - "Which signs to follow, which path to walk on?". Both seemed right in their own way - but each path promised a very different end result. It was surely a decision that would change my life for ever.
These few days taught me many things. I finally decided to walk the bleak landscape but the other part of me could never really reconcile with it. To make the process slightly easier, I decided to rip it apart and leave it behind. It was rather painful but given the circumstances I feel it was the right choice. It was a deep wound - and I know that this wound will never fully heal in this life. I tried very had to forget about the dream - walking down the hill listening to the bell of the town hall, staring at the distant Swabian hills, inspiring myself everyday to delve deeper into the labyrinth of human brain, smell of the butter-filled grilled mushroom :), the surprise encounters and so many things. Though I had already taken the road that I had to, the thought of the crossroads kept on coming back to me. By the time I left Germany, I had an awful lot of things going on in my mind. This eased the transition and provided me some refuge from the memories.
The trip to Spain never materialised. Instead, I went to Berlin, which again helped lessen the pain. Surprisingly, during the last few days, I felt nothing - neither elation nor remorse. The idyllic university town suddenly became lifeless to me.
Coming back to the present day - I am more or less settled in my new life in a new country. This is a strange phase of adaptation - you get familair with the surroundings and the people around yet at some point you feel yourself a total stranger. Once again I am beginning to get busy - which is better than mundane inactivity. The memories of old are fading away slowly but certain there are certain scars that you carry throughout your life. Though I left behind the part of me that wanted to go back to the dream, still sometimes I find myself thinking about the small things, indeed almost insignificant things that made me unconditionally happy back then. Then I realise that the wound never really healed - deep inside, it still plays a few trick or two. I have ventured too far from the cross-roads to go back. Also its in the best interest of all that I continue on this road. I don't know future has in store but thats not important anymore. Its too late for this lifetime. Maybe in another life .... I sincerely hope that the crossroad will remain the same and then I won't have to torture myself to get away from the dream. I don't know what lies at the end of that road but on that path the end is not important at all. Its the journey itself ... the journey called life ... that I would enjoy.
I'll wait ........................